A friend messaged the other day. He wants to catch up, and I know what it’s about. He went to this year’s F Tour Fan Fest. It’s the multi-day event where content creators get together and make content (duh!) for their JFF and OF sites. I went to this event last year, and I bombed out. Bombed out big time. Even though I had the black “creator” tag on, nobody gave me the time of day. All the creators already seemed to be in a fairly tight-knit clique. And the one guy I set up time with bailed on me at the last minute. Meanwhile, my friend filmed a few times, and it sounds like he had more success this year. I don’t know that I want to hear about it, but I will tonight when I see him.

It just stirs up a lot of feelings … feelings of not belonging or having a place in things. I have tried being a part of things, and it just feels like I don’t belong or I am a poser. Like, as fun as last weekend was at HeroesCon, I didn’t feel like I REALLY belonged since I am not an avid comic fan or creator in that industry, just like I was a “tourist” at the F Tour Fan Fest last year. An observer but not a participant. Not part of the gang. It even feels like this within my local social circles. I am always standing around, drink in hand, while others are chatting and having fun.

I do wonder if these feelings partially stem from leaving the theater. People will say, “You were the one who left.” And that’s true. But I didn’t feel like I had a choice. It felt like my presence there wasn’t wanted or valued anymore. The people I thought would have my back ended up not giving a shit. So, maybe I feel disconnected because I don’t want to become part of something only to be booted out or shat on again. I dunno.

Anyhoo. I know this is a whiny, self-pitying, all over the place post. Today. I don’t care.