We are now less than two weeks away from auditions for “The Full Monty.” The grapevine is abuzz about who will show up to audition. Will those who have been talking about it actually show up? Will those that do be willing and ready to go “The Full Monty?” Which six men will get to give Haywood County the thrill of a lifetime?

We will all know the answer to these questions after July 30th and 31st.

What good is a trip to the city without seeing a show or two? Got plans to see the following …

“Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street”

“The Lieutenant of Inishmore”

Hmmm. Definately got a blood and guts theme going on.

For those of you in the area, you should know that there’s a butt-load of theater going on in Asheville right now with Stoneleaf: A Festival of North Carolina Theater. The festival is mid-way through its run, but there are still a lot of good shows to see before it ends this coming Sunday. So far I have seen the Asheville Arts Center’s production of “The Last Five Years” (good but not great), the Raleigh Ensemble Players production of “Beautiful Thing” (really awesome) and the Playmakers Repertory Company’s production of “I am My Own Wife” (breath-taking). Hopefully I will get to hit at least one more show. I hearts me some theater … and you should too.

Since Nels brought it up … there’s not much to report on “The Full Monty” front at this point. Apparently, the Town Manager has been super-busy trying to hire someone for some important town job. The plan is that after he is less “distracted” Libba, Steve and I will go chat with them about “The Full Monty” and what we would like to do on stage versus what that pesky town ordinance will allow. I (being the brilliant thinker that I am) have devised a way that the actors can strip and not show their “buttocks with less than a fully opaque covering.”

I suspect that one of the bigger battles involving “The Full Monty” won’t concern the stripping but will come when we hit the finale of Act One. “Michael Jordon’s Ball” features a dance sequence that lasts at least 65 measures. Steve will probably want to cut it down. I, of course, will want to keep it entact.

Anyhoo … more news as the story unfolds.

Work on the theater’s lobby, box office and concession area is almost done. It’s pretty sweet as the box office has been expanded and the concession area is a lot more user friendly. All of this is the end result of that burst pipe back in December.

The lobby has a new sub-floor and new carpeting.

The concession area has a new tile floor and is more self-contained.

The box office is now bigger (as in longer) and has a better entrance so it doesn’t interfere so much with the concession area.

I talked with Steve the other day and still no word on a meeting with the Town Higher-Ups. We chatted about things and he doesn’t really want to have the meeting (no surprise there) and I can sorta understand that. Steve thinks we just need to assure the Town that we will not break any laws when we do the show. Which is kinda bad since the script calls for us to break the law. We chatted about ways to “skirt” the ordinance … none of which I like at all. But that conversation got me to thinking. And I have come up with some ways that we can do the stripping, still show as much as ordinance allows and not cheat the audience out of getting some skin at the end of the show. That’s been my argument with Steve the entire time … taking the audience up to the strip act at the end of the show and then cheating it to the point where the audience feels like we didn’t have the balls (pun intended) to do it right. So, I’ll talk to him in the few days and make my suggestions as to how to do things and see what he says. Hopefully my ideas will fly.

It’s now been suggested that Steve, Libba and I go and meet with the Town Manager and Town Lawyer to have an “informal” discussing about “The Full Monty” and what exactly we can hash out about making sure the show happens. The idea being that we resolve it that way instead of trying to ammend the existing ordinance. My main concern in all this is that if we sanitize the show too much … well, what’s the point in having picked it?

If we try and ammend the ordinance it will make things more public and thus possibly raise the ire of one of the local baptist churches (yeah, those whacky baptists). This particular church succeded a few years ago in getting a play at one of the local high schools cancelled because it contained … shocker! … witches. Forget the fact that the play was a comedy and being done at Halloween. So, suffice it to say, we don’t want these folks to get involved. More as the saga unfolds …

This would be a “violation.”

Yup. That legalize is the “official” town stance on public “nudity.” But in answer to some questions, the show will go on.

It’s all pretty irritating. I was supposed to direct “Cabaret” this fall and that has been put off until next year because the Executive Director was all hot to get the rights for this year for “The Full Monty.” But, apparently, nobody thought to check and see if there might be an ordinance on the books that would keep us from doing a show about strippers. Now we are stuck having to sweat just what the town officials are going to say and whether we will get to do the show as written or if we will have to “cheat” certain parts of the show.

Those of you who know the show, know that there is nothing overly bad or gratuitous in it. A few bare butts here and there … and that’s about it. All told there’s probably 2 minutes maximum of bare “anything” in the entire 2+ hour show. The current law assures that the actor’s removing their clothes to the point of breaking the law would be fined (plus possibly arrested) and the theater could be closed down.

See, the ordinance was done a several years back to keep strip clubs from starting up in town. That really doesn’t bother me, because I find strip clubs to be silly and kinda pointless. It’s also good to have something on the books to keep people from flashing their goodies at you on Main Street. But the current wording on the books is rather silly as you can’t flash some butt but you can have a woman topless as long as her nipples and areola are covered. And it’s not like we are doing “Naked Boys Singing.” I would understand the town having a problem with a show like that.

There are a few things in the works right now to see what can be done to make the show can play as written … it’s just going to take a few weeks to know what the ultimate fate for “The Full Monty” will be.

Section 130.04 Acts Prohibited in a Public Place

A) It shall be unlawful for any person to knowingly or intentionally, in a public place:

1. Engage in sexual intercourse;
2. Appear in a state of nudity; or
3. Fondle the genitals of himself/herself or another person.

B) It shall be unlawful for the owner or operator of any place of entertainment, including a restaurant, club, dance hall, or any other public establishment of any kind, to allow or permit any waiter or waitress, dancer, entertainer, or any other employee or visitor of such establishment to perform any of the acts listed in such establishment.

C) Nudity means the showing of the human male or female genitals, pubic area, or buttocks with less than a fully opaque covering; the showing of the female breast with less than a fully opaque covering of any part of the nipple and areola, or the showing of covered male genitals in a discernible turgid state.

D) Violations of this section shall be a misdemeanor punishable upon conviction by a fine not exceeding $50 or by imprisonment not exceeding 30 days. With respect to division (A) above, each separate incident shall constitute a separate offense. With respect to division (B) above, each day’s violation shall constitute a separate offense.

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This ordinance get bonus points for referring to an erect cock as “male genitals in a discernible turgid state.” Now, that’s funny.

Yup. I have received the tacky stripper thong that I ordered to see if it would work for “The Full Monty” later this year. Oh, baby! Something tells me that this like piece of fabric is gonna keep some men from auditioning.

Guess what I now have on order to see if it will actually work for the finale of “The Full Monty.”