“House of the Damned” is a terrible, terrible, terrible movie. The tag phrase (“13 Keys to Unleash the Living Dead”) and the description of the movie on the back of the dvd are totally misleading. Fans of old horror and haunted houses should avoid it at all costs!!!

I finally (thanks, Netflix) got around to seeing the 2005 version of “House of Wax” … which is a remake of 1953’s “House of Wax” which is a remake of 1933’s “Mystery of the Wax Museum.”

Now, I am not going say it was good but it was better than I expected it to be. I was expecting a really, really, really bad movie.

The plot is like 2,000 other horror films you have seen. Party-hardy teens stumble their way into a seemingly deserted only to be sliced, diced and covered in wax to be put on display in the titular House of Wax. What really amazed me was the total and utter dumbness of our leads as they encounter one sinister event after another in the lead up to murder and mayhem. Would you ignore a) creepy truck b) a dead animal dumping ground c) unpaved backwoods roads d) towns not listed on any map and the fact that the town looks like it belongs in the 1950’s.

The production design is really about all that “House of Wax” has going for it. The town of Ambrose is the coolest thing in the movie … especially the fact that the House of Wax is indeed entirely made of wax. This set piece could have offered us some really cool scary moments ala “Tourist Trap.” I mean, c’mon, who isn’t scared of mannequins and wax figures? Instead the screenwriter goes the easy route and offers us the standard stalk/chase scenarios that we’ve been seeing since “Black Christmas” gave birth to the modern slasher film.

Zzzzzzzzz.

One a good note though … I will say that Paris Hilton does get one spectacular death scene. At least (at that moment) the filmmakers knew what we wanted to see.

Franke and I really dug “Bug.”

On Sunday Franke and I trekked off to see “The Host” and “OMG!” was it great! It’s been a really looooong time since I have seen a horror film this fun, scary and moving. It helps that the writer/director actually give you main characters that you like and care about. It helps that the monster movie thrills are really well done. It helps the movie (and the horror genre in general) that the gore is kept to a bare minimum so those fans of “horror” and not “gore” can get into the movie as well. It helps that the movie has several subtexts (United States politics, pandemics, Agent Yellow!) that make it resonate more. There is some much good stuff in this movie that I couldn’t possibly write it all down. I love, love, loved it! Go see it. NOW!!!

I am soooooooo obsessed with this movie right now.

Fuck that new version of “Black Christmas.” The classic version from 1974 is the way to go. Everything about this production is top notch from Bob Clark’s direction to the great acting to that eerie musical score. This movies also contains one of the scariest images I have ever seen in any horror movie. The tone of “Black Christmas” is very plain creepy from the very start. The movie takes it’s time setting up the charcters and then taking them out one by one. The “obscene” phones calls truly are the stuff of nightmares. The killer really is one of the greatest villians ever put to screen. You never really find out his motivations or backstory (a thing I really admire about this movie). When you finally do see “Billy,” you only get to see his eye and one of his hands which makes him all the more terrifying. He’s like that killer that chases you in your bad dreams. You know he’s out to get you, but you never can quite see him.

So, my advice to you is: Get a copy of “Black Christmas” and curl up under a blanket on the couch and make this holiday season a killer one.

When watching “Blade: Trinity” there are only two things you need to know.

1. Mute the sound totally as the dialogue is really, really bad.
2. Scan forward to any scene featuring Ryan Reynolds and his fantastic formed biceps and totally lickable abs (especially when he’s chained to the floor). Grrrrrrr!

And now for your viewing pleasure … the final minutes of one of the greatest movies of the 1980’s … “Elvira: Mistress of the Dark!”