“Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil” takes the standard horror tropes of Hillbillies and College Kids-in-the-Woods and deliciously turns them on their head. It’s seriously one of the best horror comedies to ever come along (and it’s Canadian too). Loved it!!!

The laziness continues! I am now finally getting around to posting about MonsterFest 2011 which happened in the wilds of North Florida with Dr. Phibes and Co. over the days of October 20th – 24th.

Last year, I stated that it was the laziest MonsterFest ever … and I must say that this year probably rivaled that. That’s not a bad thing either. Vacations are for laziness. But, we weren’t lazy on that Sunday and rode down to St. Augustine for a look around (pictures to follow sometime soon).

Past that we relaxed, ate junk food, drank beer, napped, ate junk food, drank beer and (most importantly) watched horror movies!

Here’s a list of what we watched:
“House of Wax” (2005)
“Satan’s Slave”
“Red State” (which isn’t really a horror movie)
Elvira’s Movie Macabre “The Werewolf of Washington”
“El Orfanato”
“The Ghoul”
“I Spit On Your Grave” (1978)
“The Living Dead at the Manchester Morgue”
“Piranha” (2010)
“The House by the Cemetery”
“The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2”
MST3K “The Touch of Satan”
“Just Before Dawn”
“Revenge of the Creature”
“Slither”
“Anthropophagus”
“Night Gallery” (Pilot Episode)
and
Episodes 1 & 2 of “The Walking Dead” Season Two

As always, big-ups to Dr. Phibes and Co. for a great time.

So, yeah. I was pretty excited when the preview for FX’s new series “American Horror Story” hit a few months ago. How quickly that excitement waned when the pilot episode finally aired at the beginning of October. Within that one hour, there were so many genre elements and plot devices. I wondered if the “everything but the kitchen sink” approach was a way to hook viewers and that subsequent episodes would be more focused. Sadly, after four more more episodes, it’s pretty obvious that’s not the case.

I am not sure if the creators/writers think that piling on so much actually makes for a good show. It doesn’t. Not only do we have the (crappy) extra marital affair family drama going on … we have an emo/suicidal daughter, a creepy neighbor that pops up at any given opportunity (apparently none of the doors have locks that can keep this woman out), a monster in the basement, a potential demon baby AND there are ghosts running around of just about everyone that has set foot in house before the previous owners did.

How about our family? Honestly, these are really characters you could care less about. The wife, Vivien (played by Connie Britton), is unemotional and just plain dull. The husband, Benjamin (played by Dylan McDermott), is either yelling or crying or yelling AND crying his problems (he cheated on the wife) to complete strangers. The daughter, Violet (played by Taissa Farmiga), is just emo for no real reason other than her character needs some sort of hook. And it doesn’t help that all our lead characters behave irrationally and there are HUGE jumps in logic in their thinking and actions at just about every turn.

Even the secondary characters are pretty bad. Jessica Lange does all she can but she can’t save every episode single handed. And poor Dennis O’Hare is just … [Chas. shakes head because Mr. O’Hare so underused with such a dumb character.]

I find the way the ghosts are treated to be questionable. Apparently, these ghosts can roam all over the city, be seen by everyone and interact with everyday objects. How would you like to have a ghost maid that can sweep and dust your house AND make you lunch? Could be pretty sweet because you wouldn’t have to pay her! And I won’t even get started on (what I found to be) the super offensively stereotypical gay couple that owned the house previously. There’s nothing quite like have a gay ghost running around your house shrieking about how badly you have decorated the place. Seriously.

The music the show uses is also a big problem. The creative team has apparently felt that it was wise to license a bunch of Bernard Herrmann‘s music. So, far they have cribbed from “Psycho,” “Vertigo” and “Twisted Nerve.” It’s a shame really. When you hear music from famous movies playing over scenes, it just serves to remind you of those better movies that the music came from. Maybe they are doing this to pay homage? Whatever the reason though, it just doesn’t work.

I have some friends who have been watching this show and think that it’s great and that it’s super scary. I just don’t get that. It’s an annoyingly bland mix of generic horror genre elements that relies on a too many cheap scares. Really, it’s more laughable than anything else … and that makes me sad. I was looking forward to another good “horror” television show. I guess I will just have to stick with “The Walking Dead.”

Because the only thing horrifying about “American Horror Story” is just how really bad it is.

“The House of the Devil” kicks it back to 1978 … old school horror! There’s none of that cheeky oh-look-at-how-clever we are satire that is the mainstay of “throwback” horror. This movie literally could have come out when the likes of “Halloween” ruled the screen. Everything in the movie works to make you think you are really watching an old-style horror movie (even the movie poster harkens back to the good old days). The story relies more on creepy atmosphere than in your face gore (don’t expect a fast moving story). The soundtrack (composed by Jeff Grace) is pitch perfect homage to the great horror scores of the late 70’s/early 80’s. My major complaint about the movie would be that the resolution feels kinda rushed … but all that comes it before is my kinda scary! I am thinking that Ti West might be my new hero.

And speaking of new heroes … here’s A.J. Bowen who is in “The House of the Devil.” He’s 12 shades of handsome!

Ha, ha … it’s a movie about thinning the herd!

I will say that I find the “torture porn” sub-genre of horror to be quite low class and without much merit … but if more of said films were made some intelligence and flair then I could easily change my mind.

“Martyrs” (France, 2008) knocked my socks of. I didn’t know much about the premise of the film other than a wee bit of the blurb on Netflix.

“Years after she escaped from an icy torture chamber in an abandoned slaughterhouse, Lucie enlists the help of her closest friend, Anna, to track down the family who tormented her and exact her revenge.”

Sounds like a pretty simple revenge film, doesn’t it? But, what you get is a tale that mixes several horror genre elements into one very brutal and very bloody cocktail. “Martyrs” does take an unexpected detour about 3/4 of the way through. Honestly, the less you know going in, the better. I was totally unprepared for the final act of the movie.

“Martyrs” follows on the heels of other envelope pushing French films such as “Haute Tension,” “À l’intérieur” and “Frontière(s).”  If this tend continues, I could become a total convert!

Because, it certainly appears that France is the current king of splatter.

“The Midnight Meat Train” is hardcore! Plus is got a lot of things going for it that make it a great horror movie. 

In all honestly this movie is really more about the gore than the scares. But the atmosphere of “Meat Train” elevates it above the average gore film. To me the movie feels claustrophobic yet epic at the same time. The story has a lot of similar elements to another Clive Barker story, “Candyman.” And that’s not a bad things as we are treated to something very real yet surreal at the same time.

And the blood … the blood! I really don’t know that I have ever seen a movie with so much of it. The gore scenes are handled very stylishly and only suffer occasionally from some noticeable CGI. I really would like to see what the “R” version of this film was like as the only version out on video is the uncut version.

Speaking of not seeing this in the theater … it is a real shame that Lionsgate felt the need to bury this film in a second run theater release and then a straight to video release. Especially since dumbed down crap like the remake of “Friday the 13th” get such play.

So, get aboard the “Meat Train” and take the ride. I dare you!!!

So, was I wrong to expect greatness (or at least a fun movie) from the remake of “Friday the 13th?” Maybe. It is, after all, produced and directed by the team that brought us the so-so remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” And now we have “Friday the 13th” which has some really fundamental flaws that are just sooooo hard to overlook.

**Spoilers Ahead**

The film’s opening takes place in 1980 and loosely recaps the end of the original where Mrs. Voorhees is decapitated by Camp Blood’s lone survivor. Then we just forward to present day. That technically takes us 28+ years from that event. Hmmmmm. ‘Cause we are supposed to buy that Jason has been laying low for that long. They sorta address this when some backwoods hillbilly woman refers to people having disappeared for years … but past that passing mention there’s no real explanation. Bad move.

This version doesn’t really have ANY plot going for it. The original at least had a group of likeable characters trying to reopen the camp. Most of the new characters are just at the lake just to drink and fuck. They are so stereotypical (pretty boy asshole, good girl, stoner buds, hot slut, horny couple) that you really just don’t like them at all. Plus they do super duper stupid things even by horror movie standards.

Jason stalks and slashes with purpose. But they sure could have come up with some fun and inventive ways to kill. Jason has his standard machete and also uses a bow and arrow and ax. How lame is that. At one point jason kills one of the stoners in the garage … and all they while there’s a mitre saw in frame. I was sooooo hoping that Jason would crank that baby up and saw off some limbs. He didn’t. All the rest of the kills are the same kinda “machete through the torso” or “arrow through the head” variety. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Some elements of the end of “Friday the 13th: Part 2” are on hand. One of the gals plays like she’s Mrs. Voorhees to confuse and distract Jason. This whole plot point is handled pretty badly. In “Part 2” our herion put on some of Mrs. Voorhees clothes to achieve this. This time around we just have to rely on some barely passing resemblance between our gal and Mrs. Voorshees. Bad!!!

The ending of the movie relies solely on one of the dumbest moves ever. After all the carnage, what do the two survivors do? They take Jason’s body to the lake and throw it in. Do they hike out for help or call the cops? No! This puts them in a position for one final scare and, of couse, a lead in to the inevitable sequel. 

**Spoilers End** 

“Friday the 13th” is just so “by the book” that it sucks. There is NOTHING fresh, new or remotely well done here. It isn’t even any fun to watch. At least the new remake of “My Bloody Valentine” had some mystery as to who the killer was, and love triangle and had some super fun kills to keeps things interesting. It’s 100 times the movie that “Friday the 13th” is.