Wow. I have made a whopping six posts this year. I suppose that is a testament to how my year has gone so far and to where my mental state is as well.

It’s been a long year. Like, REALLY long.

Without going into the specifics, the knocks to my mental health started last July and intensified over the winter, spring, and summer. It feels like it’s non-stop because it’s a weekly barrage of little things that make me question everything, from my talent as a graphic designer to how people treat me as a friend to my fitness to be in any relationship.

Most days I feel like my presence is a drag on just about everyone I know. I feel disposable. I feel unheard and ignored past what favors and menial tasks I can do for people. I walk around and it feels like there is a big black cloud hanging over everything. I can’t even count the number of times I have been on the verge of tears or outright had a full-on meltdown. It’s hard to focus on any plans more than a day ahead of time now. I am just trying to get through the day that is happening before I can focus on what’s coming next. The future feels like a big black void. I am sleepwalking through life right now.

The sad thing is that I know good stuff is happening. My brain just can’t process the good stuff because it’s so focused on the negative. It sucks and I know I need therapy or meds or some life-altering event (like a lottery win) to fix things.

Anyhoo. I am going to try and get back to some regular posting on here. I mean, why pay for the hosting if you aren’t going to use it?

Yeah. So the 20th year of my blog is going swimmingly. Ha, ha.

The short version of what’s been happening is that the winter sucked. Like sucked hard. Like nearly made me totally insane sucked. If there wasn’t crap going on with me, then it was going on with David.

Spring has rolled around and things seem to be going better for both of us, but now we have a friend that is making things a bit miserable because he is going through a breakup and is lashing out at all his friends. Fun.

Anyway.

I couldn’t resist buying this shirt … because it’s true. Ha, ha.

Oh, blog of mine. I don’t hate you.

December was pretty trying (I only cried twice) and I have spent the days so far in January just trying to get my shit together (I have only cried once so far).

Updates soon.

And here we are. 20 years later.

November 21, 2002 was when it all started.

When I acquired my first web address and started blogging, I never thought that I would keep at it this long. It seemed like a laugh at the time. But, slowly, people started reading my rambling about movies and theater and hikes and such. They stayed through several name changes in the early days, several domain name changes (cgm13.com to cgm13.net to theboywonder.net), and my migration from Blogger to WordPress. They even stayed through my (first) depression, my anxiety-laden years, and obsessive porn posts (with lots of hot naked men doing hot naked things with big, throbbing cocks). I met some really cool people via this blog. Some still speak to me and some don’t (which still kinda hurts). There have been some dry spells when I felt like I didn’t have anything going on that was exciting enough to post about. Those seem to happen more and more these days. Keeping an online blog seems quite old-fashioned in this age of Facebook/Insta/Twitter/TikTok. Honestly, there have been times that I have thought about bagging this site altogether. But, for some reason, I just can’t let it go. This blog is like an old friend. Some days I find myself reading back through the archives and remembering the good (and bad) times. I do kick myself now for some of the vague postings I did “back in the day” because I am older and can’t remember what a lot of the vaguery is about. I know readership isn’t what it used to be back in this blog’s heyday. I don’t care. This is really more for me than anyone else. But, if you are still around and checking in on me, it’s really appreciated. Let’s see if this thing lasts another 20 years.

Happy Birthday, oh blog of mine!