“The House of the Devil” kicks it back to 1978 … old school horror! There’s none of that cheeky oh-look-at-how-clever we are satire that is the mainstay of “throwback” horror. This movie literally could have come out when the likes of “Halloween” ruled the screen. Everything in the movie works to make you think you are really watching an old-style horror movie (even the movie poster harkens back to the good old days). The story relies more on creepy atmosphere than in your face gore (don’t expect a fast moving story). The soundtrack (composed by Jeff Grace) is pitch perfect homage to the great horror scores of the late 70’s/early 80’s. My major complaint about the movie would be that the resolution feels kinda rushed … but all that comes it before is my kinda scary! I am thinking that Ti West might be my new hero.

And speaking of new heroes … here’s A.J. Bowen who is in “The House of the Devil.” He’s 12 shades of handsome!

Ha, ha … it’s a movie about thinning the herd!

I will say that I find the “torture porn” sub-genre of horror to be quite low class and without much merit … but if more of said films were made some intelligence and flair then I could easily change my mind.

“Martyrs” (France, 2008) knocked my socks of. I didn’t know much about the premise of the film other than a wee bit of the blurb on Netflix.

“Years after she escaped from an icy torture chamber in an abandoned slaughterhouse, Lucie enlists the help of her closest friend, Anna, to track down the family who tormented her and exact her revenge.”

Sounds like a pretty simple revenge film, doesn’t it? But, what you get is a tale that mixes several horror genre elements into one very brutal and very bloody cocktail. “Martyrs” does take an unexpected detour about 3/4 of the way through. Honestly, the less you know going in, the better. I was totally unprepared for the final act of the movie.

“Martyrs” follows on the heels of other envelope pushing French films such as “Haute Tension,” “À l’intérieur” and “Frontière(s).”  If this tend continues, I could become a total convert!

Because, it certainly appears that France is the current king of splatter.

“The Midnight Meat Train” is hardcore! Plus is got a lot of things going for it that make it a great horror movie. 

In all honestly this movie is really more about the gore than the scares. But the atmosphere of “Meat Train” elevates it above the average gore film. To me the movie feels claustrophobic yet epic at the same time. The story has a lot of similar elements to another Clive Barker story, “Candyman.” And that’s not a bad things as we are treated to something very real yet surreal at the same time.

And the blood … the blood! I really don’t know that I have ever seen a movie with so much of it. The gore scenes are handled very stylishly and only suffer occasionally from some noticeable CGI. I really would like to see what the “R” version of this film was like as the only version out on video is the uncut version.

Speaking of not seeing this in the theater … it is a real shame that Lionsgate felt the need to bury this film in a second run theater release and then a straight to video release. Especially since dumbed down crap like the remake of “Friday the 13th” get such play.

So, get aboard the “Meat Train” and take the ride. I dare you!!!

So, was I wrong to expect greatness (or at least a fun movie) from the remake of “Friday the 13th?” Maybe. It is, after all, produced and directed by the team that brought us the so-so remake of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” And now we have “Friday the 13th” which has some really fundamental flaws that are just sooooo hard to overlook.

**Spoilers Ahead**

The film’s opening takes place in 1980 and loosely recaps the end of the original where Mrs. Voorhees is decapitated by Camp Blood’s lone survivor. Then we just forward to present day. That technically takes us 28+ years from that event. Hmmmmm. ‘Cause we are supposed to buy that Jason has been laying low for that long. They sorta address this when some backwoods hillbilly woman refers to people having disappeared for years … but past that passing mention there’s no real explanation. Bad move.

This version doesn’t really have ANY plot going for it. The original at least had a group of likeable characters trying to reopen the camp. Most of the new characters are just at the lake just to drink and fuck. They are so stereotypical (pretty boy asshole, good girl, stoner buds, hot slut, horny couple) that you really just don’t like them at all. Plus they do super duper stupid things even by horror movie standards.

Jason stalks and slashes with purpose. But they sure could have come up with some fun and inventive ways to kill. Jason has his standard machete and also uses a bow and arrow and ax. How lame is that. At one point jason kills one of the stoners in the garage … and all they while there’s a mitre saw in frame. I was sooooo hoping that Jason would crank that baby up and saw off some limbs. He didn’t. All the rest of the kills are the same kinda “machete through the torso” or “arrow through the head” variety. Zzzzzzzzzz.

Some elements of the end of “Friday the 13th: Part 2” are on hand. One of the gals plays like she’s Mrs. Voorhees to confuse and distract Jason. This whole plot point is handled pretty badly. In “Part 2” our herion put on some of Mrs. Voorhees clothes to achieve this. This time around we just have to rely on some barely passing resemblance between our gal and Mrs. Voorshees. Bad!!!

The ending of the movie relies solely on one of the dumbest moves ever. After all the carnage, what do the two survivors do? They take Jason’s body to the lake and throw it in. Do they hike out for help or call the cops? No! This puts them in a position for one final scare and, of couse, a lead in to the inevitable sequel. 

**Spoilers End** 

“Friday the 13th” is just so “by the book” that it sucks. There is NOTHING fresh, new or remotely well done here. It isn’t even any fun to watch. At least the new remake of “My Bloody Valentine” had some mystery as to who the killer was, and love triangle and had some super fun kills to keeps things interesting. It’s 100 times the movie that “Friday the 13th” is.

“My Bloody Valentine 3-D” rocked! Lots of blood and gore … in glorious 3-D!!! Plus, for us fans of the original, some of the cooler scenes have been homaged (which is a nice bonus).

So you must be sure of two things:
1. Make sure to see it in 3-D (there are regular prints out there).
2. Stay through the end credits for the final … er, “swing.” 

It’s the most fun I’ve had with my pants on in quite some time.